Two days in one

6-4-10
Today I have hit the 12 week mark…….finally! Twelve weeks ago I thought this day would never get here. It seemed like a lifetime away and in a way it was. I feel like I have gone back to my old self in the last twelve weeks. Going through fertility treatments and the way it makes you feel is something completely out of the norm. It totally consumes your life and your thoughts. Not many minutes go by when you don’t drift off and think “God PLEASE let this work”. I do feel very fortunate that I have friends (those who know) that are very supportive and always give me encouragement. I also feel fortunate to have a husband like Wilson. He just listens to me and doesn’t complain if I am being a bit more bitchy than normal. He lets me cry and doesn’t get too wound up about much of anything. He just keeps reassuring me that “it will happen; it’s just not our time this round”.
I go back to Dr. Rodriguez on Friday for a saline sonogram. I guess so they can make sure everything is back in working order. Then Wilson and I have a consultation with Dr. Rod on Thursday the 10th to talk about all of our options and what he thinks we should do. Hopefully we can try the IUI again and I pray that it works this time with no problems. The IVF is soooo expensive (10K) and even though we have spent that so far it has been in short spurts. We will listen to what Dr. Rod has to say and then hopefully get this show back on the road in early July, after I finish the pack of b.c. pills I am taking. It seems so counter productive but it regulates my cycle so at least I get a little bit of insight on a timeline. All things have a silver lining; it just depends on how bad you want to find it.


6-21-10
So much has happened since the 4th (at least I feel like it has). All of our first appointments were cancelled. We went for our appointment on the 4th and he was still in surgery and while we were there she said they had to cancel our appointment for a consult on the 10th. We got all of them rescheduled for the next week. On the 15th I had the saline sonogram. I don’t remember it hurting this much last time. Actually I don’t remember having one of these at all but they say I have. After all of these tests I don’t know which is which anymore. He said everything looked good. We had our consult on Thursday the 17th. This is the appointment I was really worried about because I was afraid he was going to tell us that we can’t do the IUI’s any longer. He did say he would let us try one more time with the IUI because it worked last time….well kinda. Linda, his nurse, said there are women who don’t have insurance and they buy all of their medicines up front for the IUI’s and IVF’s and when they get pregnant and no longer need the meds they donate them back to patients like me who have insurance that won’t cover anything so they have to pay everything cash. She said with this next IUI we will add in injectables which will help with the ovary stimulation. Before we can start the next IUI he wants me to have another HSG. This is the test where they put dye in your tubes to make sure they are clear. This test is expensive ($1190) and it HURTS. The minute they told me I had to do it again tears just started rolling down my eyes. He said he would prescribe me valium for the day of the test. I have never taken valium before but hopefully it will take the edge off. Last time I was fine because I didn’t know what to expect until it was happening. This time I know! They will schedule that for sometime at the end of this week or beginning of next. Then they will cut my cycle short on my next pack of bc pills and we can start with the next IUI. Lord do I pray that this works.
This is the last time we can try the “less” expensive method. Our next venture will be to IVF. They did give me an information packet on IVF that includes everything they are going to do and the costs of each procedure. We are looking from anywhere to 8k to 13k. Depending on how many eggs they retrieve and how many mature. It’s all a crap shoot. With the IUI, even with injectables he is giving us an 8 to 12% chance of getting pregnant. With the IVF he is giving us a 40% chance.
Luckily we have an extra truck that we can sell and right now it’s worth about 12K. It’s actually my Mom’s truck but she is graciously giving us the truck proceeds to use. My first plan is to call Wilson’s insurance and see if I can get on his plan during their next open enrollment, which we believe to be in November. I have been doing some research and found out that in the state of Texas insurance companies are REQUIRED to offer you infertility insurance. The hitch is my company doesn’t have to because we have less than 50 employees. With Kroger that is not the case. So we are PLANNING on changing Wilson’s insurance to the top tier that is available and adding me on to his insurance. We know the cost will be significant (about $300 a month) but that is nothing compared to a possible 12K bill. I will keep my free insurance thru my job so as soon as we have the baby I can cancel my insurance thru him. I would cancel as soon as I found out I was pregnant but his deductible is only $750 whereas mine is 3K. I am praying that that works out too. We are still waiting to hear from his benefits coordinator.
Keeping my fingers crossed!!!

Oh there's just a slight chance of it happening......

I can not believe this. They just called and my levels are still at 171 so I have to have a second Methotrexate shot!!

I swear if there is only a slight chance on it happening…..it’s gonna happen to me!

AAAUUUGGGHHHH

16 years later....

As I sit here watching Prison Wives, one of my new favorite shows, I just realized – in 3 short hours my brother in law will walk out outside without being surrounded by guards for the first time in 16 years! His release date is Thursday, March 11th which means he will be released at midnight tonight.
Can you imagine being held in a room the size of your bathroom for 16 years? I can’t but then again I am of the persuasion that I will never do anything to put myself in that situation. I guess nothing is certain in life but I have no plans of ever putting myself in any situation that gets me locked in the bathroom so to speak.
Last night I was watching a show and a man was being let out of prison for the first time in 10 years and it took him 45 minutes to pick out deodorant. He said he had never had any options and after the 45 minutes he ended up picking the type he used in prison because that is what he knew. I can not imagine.
This is the time when I wish I was independently wealthy because I would take the next two months and follow Scott and watch his face while he relearns the world. When Scott went into the penitentiary the next big thing in cell phones was going to be the flip phone. He has never used a computer, never been on the internet and has no idea how to use an ATM card. He literally has to relearn the world. Think of where you were 16 years ago and where you are today.

2 shots in 1

They have discovered that my pregnancy was a tubal pregnancy and as of Thursday I was still pregnant. I had to go in on Thursday afternoon and have the Methotexate shot. This was not what I wanted and I begged them to find another solution. There just wasn’t another one. The D&C wouldn’t have worked because there was nothing to clear out - it was in my tube, not my uterus. Of course insurance didn’t pay for this medicine either. I am not quiet sure what they pay for because none of this has been covered so far. Dr. Rodriguez came in and talked to us first just to tell us how sorry he was and ask if we had any questions. I knew I had to do it when he said “if you were my daughter this is what I would suggest. I know what the ultimate goal is but right now I have to do what is best for you”. He really is a good doctor, in my opinion.
They gave me the shot, 2 shots actually. Wilson is officially not allowed to go with me ever again. :-)
I don’t look at anything they are about to do when it comes to needles. I don’t watch them give me shots, I don’t look at the needles beforehand, I don’t watch them when they are drawing my blood, nothing. So when they came in and uncovered the tray with the shots on it the first thing out of Wilson’s mouth is “OMG that is a big needle” and then proceeded to show me how big it was with his hands!!! He did the same thing the other day when he went with me to get my blood drawn. 2 strikes and you are out!!
Thursday after the doctors visit we went to Garrett’s parent teacher night to talk to his Math teacher. The ex wife was there but not the step-douche so it wasn’t bad. Although I think she is a complete idiot, she is tolerable without her sidekick. Came home that night and just watched TV, didn’t really feel anything too terrible. I knew something was going on but it really just felt like I was about to start my period. Then I fell asleep - I shouldn’t have done that because when I woke up I felt like I was hit by a mack truck. Every bit of my body hurt. The paperwork said it could give you flu like symptoms and that’s exactly what it did. We had a farewell lunch for a girl at work on Friday and I really wanted to get up and go to that but I just couldn’t muster up the energy. I will say whoever invented the heating pad is my new best friend. I’m sure it was a woman!
I basically didn’t leave the bed all day. It was horrible - I hated it because when you feel bad you think of all the things you could be doing that do not consist of laying in bed.
Saturday I got up and started moving around. I was feeling much better. Cramping was still there but the body aches were gone. Bev went and got us some breakfast and I got up ate and felt much better. Lance and my Aunt and Uncle came over to work on the new motor home. It felt good to have people at the house and have a reason to walk around outside. I just took a shower and about to go up to Target to get a gift card for a friend. The cramps are still there and don’t feel good at all but I am tired of laying around and not feeling good. All the paperwork says all the aches should be over and done with in approximately 72 hours so maybe another day of this and that’s it. The next 12 weeks are going to be hard but I know in the end it will all be worth it.

Now i'm actually hoping the numbers are going down??

I had to go back to the doctor today. I haven’t really started my period yet, which is kind of strange in this situation. They drew MORE blood and did a sonogram. The sonogram showed that my uterine wall was still very thick, as it would be if I were still pregnant, but there was nothing in the uterus. They are thinking now it could possibly be an etopic pregnancy. I will know more tomorrow when the blood levels come back. Those dang blood levels again. Anyway, if they are still dropping then we just wait and I will probably go back in next Monday and do this all over again. If they have gone up then I will have to take Methotrexate which is used for chemotherapy treatment. Basically it will stop the reproduction of rapid producing cells. IF they have to give me this medication we will not be able to try again for at least 3 months. The Methotrexate has some side effects that can cause serious birth defects. Another possibility is a D & C, where they will just go in and expel everything manually. From what I am reading this is the fastest way but it also has more complications.
At this point I don’t know what to think. Dr. Rodriguez did say he was almost certain that the pregnancy was in the uterus but he could not be 100% sure. We will just have to wait and see tomorrow when the blood work comes back.
I will be heartbroken if we have to put everything on hold for 3 months. After everything that has happened this month and then to be told to wait, again.
At this point I am just praying my numbers are going down on their own and I will start my cycle very soon. It’s hard to move past something that keeps continuing.

Level - It's not the same thing forward and backward

I was just sitting here trying to figure out how to say this.....the procedure worked and I am pregnant. While I am pregnant right now I won't be for long. My levels are not going up which means there is a 90% chance of miscarriage. I knew there was a high likelihood of this happening but I guess like this whole process I kept thinking "that won't happen to me". I go back to the dr tomorrow morning to find out for sure but as of right now it's not looking good. Your HCG levels are suppose to double every 48-72 hours, mine did at first. Now I have only gone from a 72 to an 84 over the entire weekend.
Of course Wilson knows but I haven't told my Mom yet. She is so excited. Last Friday she bought a pink bouncer. She called me yesterday and asked me how I was feeling but I just didn't have the heart to tell her so I lied. She will be back on Thursday so I will have to tell her then. I just can't figure out how to break her heart.
You just wouldn't think that something you have only known about for three weeks would hurt this bad.
I'm sorry to bring down the room but I wanted to let you know since you all are in this with me now :-)
As you can imagine I am not really in the mood to talk about it yet, just trying to absorb the situation myself. I keep telling myself “at least we got this far” and “next time” but…

I will let you know how things go on Wednesday.

I Love You, Plus One

Every morning when one of us leaves for work and every night before we go to sleep one of us will say “I love you” and the reply is always “I love you more”. It’s just kind of a thing we do. I’m not sure how or when that got started but I don’t remember not ever saying it that way. This morning was different. Wilson is working the late shift so he was still home when I left for work. When I kissed him and said “I love you” his reply was “I love you, plus one”. It brought tears to my eyes.
He is so excited he can hardly contain himself. I was so disappointed yesterday when I had to tell him I was pregnant over the phone. I wish I could have done it in a different way but it is what it is. We have done everything up to this point in a non traditional manner so why start now.
My Mom is a different story. Wilson and my Mom were together yesterday when I told him but I told him “don’t tell her”. I just told him to tell her that the doctors office hadn’t called yet and it might take until tomorrow to get the results. So yesterday I printed up my pregnancy poem (earlier post) and put it on blue paper with a pink background and then I put a little scrapbook type circle on there that said “Rock a bye baby”. I wrapped it up in white tissue paper and headed home. All of this I did the last minute in the Big Lots parking lot. So I get home and every day I stop at the mailbox and bring in the mail and hand it out to whomever it belongs too. I handed Wilson his mail and then handed the tissue paper wrapped picture frame to my Mom and said “this was in the mailbox with your name on it?” She said “what?” and I just walked over towards Wilson and sat on the couch. She was laying down and kind of opened it slowly while looking perplexed and then started reading. I swear she must have made it through half of the poem before she got it. Then she got it! She bolted up from the couch and started screaming. I thought she was going to hyperventilate. She looked over at me and said “we’re pregnant?” and I smiled through my tears and said “yes” and she started screaming again. It was so funny. I was crying, she was crying, Wilson was crying.
For the rest of the night the waterworks were on. She would just be sitting there and start crying. Then I would look over and her feet were just going like crazy and she was giggling like a school girl.
Wilson would just be sitting there last night watching TV and then reach over and grab my hand or kiss me on the forehead. I don’t know why I didn’t expect him to be this excited but he is so happy.
I almost feel bad because I am so reserved. Not that I am not excited because I am but I just don’t want to let myself buy into the fact that this might really happen until I know for sure THIS MIGHT REALLY HAPPEN. A friend of mine, that has been through this, told me “you never stop worrying until you have the baby. When you first find out your pregnant you worry that it’s not a viable pregnancy, once you get past 12 weeks you worry the baby has Downs Syndrome or something like that, it’s just always something – until you actually have that baby and hold it in your arms and see that it’s real.” I am thinking she is right. I have to go back to the doctors office on Friday and have my blood drawn again because my levels should double every 2 days so by Friday I should be at a 70 and then I have to go back again on Monday. I think after Monday if everything is still going along good I will feel much better.
Bottom line is, right now I am pregnant and I will just keep doing what has been working so far, praying.