Next year will be better....

Someone sent this to me today (Thank You Barbara) and it got me thinking.....

As we reflect on 2009, We will open a new book. It’s pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and it’s first chapter is New Years Day.

"I do not have good news for you"

That’s what she said when I answered the phone. Since I’m at work and don’t want to get emotional for a second time today I will make this short. I guess it’s just not our time this go round. I don’t want to give up and we will try again.

Today is results day!!!!

I think I already know the results but I went in this morning for the pregnancy test. I’m pretty positive it’s negative but I’m still hopeful. For the last two days I have had the worst cramps, my lower back is killing me and my face is broken out – just like I was about to start. Add to that my progesterone level was low last week.
I’m not trying to be negative but this is a big deal to me and I’m trying to be realistic so today when I get the phone call it won’t be so devastating.
Still crossing my fingers and hoping.

Two more days.......

Two more days until we get the results of the pregnancy test. I can’t wait although I think I already know the results. If I was a betting woman I would bet that the results will be negative. The only reason I say that is because last Wednesday I had to go and get my progesterone level checked. They called me that afternoon and told me to up my dose of progesterone from once a day to twice a day. Of course I had to run to google as fast as I could to find out what a low progesterone level cold mean. From what I have read from the message boards - when you have a low progesterone level that means that you are not pregnant.
I am trying to prepare myself for a negative result so that when Wednesday afternoon gets here I won’t be so upset. Of course I know I will be upset but I am trying to soften the blow.
We still haven’t told my Mom. Wilson said we should wait until Wednesday and we get the results. If they are positive we get to tell her she is going to be a Grandma. If it’s negative we will have to deal with that. I’m still not sure how to bring that subject up but I guess it will just come out and we will go from there.

Nothing left to do now but PRAY!

Well, it’s done.
Nothing left to do now but PRAY!

Find out the results on Wed. Dec. 30th

The procedure went fine. Didn't hurt at all. I just read my baby poem and we all talked about Ivy (strange I know). Came back to work like nothing ever happened.
I'm not nervous. I'm not scared. I'm just here and maybe that's good. Maybe the fact that i'm not all hyped up will do me some good.
Start the progesterone tomorrow - I think that is the medication that helps you keep the pregnancy if you get to that point.
They said Wilson's "sample" looked really good and had a very high motility rate (don't ask me what that means - I guess he's got a lot of swimmers). They said I had a lot of large folicies, now we just have to hope one of those big folicies had a good egg in it and he has Michael Phelps type swimmers!

Waiting on the trigger

This morning I went to Dr. Rodriguez and had another sonogram. Everything is looking good. I had some really good foliciles and I am really starting to feel the meds take effect this afternoon, just crampy. They are going to call me this afternoon and let me know when I have to go and get my “booster” shot. I didn’t realize this until this morning but I have to give the shot to myself. Auh, What? This part I was not aware of. I thought when I went for the sonogram and bloodwork this morning they would give it to me in the office. Guess not. Not really looking forward to this part – well I haven’t really looked forward to any of this yet so I guess we can just add this to the list. So hopefully today I can go and get the shot and take it tonight.
Along with my sonogram this morning they also took my blood again. I think to get my estrogen level so they knew exactly when I should take the shot. Well I hate having my blood drawn so I always find something to read so I can take my mind off of what is happening. Today I found a pamphlet regarding couples going through infertility and how they coped with the different situations. They are following three different couples and telling their stories on how they felt when going through all the testing. I have to say, so far I don’t relate to any of these people. They all want to blame their spouse for the infertility until they find out it’s really them. They resent the other person for making them go through all of these tests and procedures. I have never felt that way. I never, not once, thought any of this was Wilson’s fault – or anyone’s fault for that matter. It’s just something that happened. Yes I have wondered why us but I think it’s just going to make us stronger people and hopefully better parents because we won’t take for granted all of the mundane things parents do on a daily basis. I certainly hope that Wilson doesn’t resent me for him having to take all of the tests and dealing with me and my hormones. He doesn’t seem to mind and he hasn’t said anything. I guess this booklet has already helped us because now I plan on talking to my husband to make sure he doesn’t feel this way.
The one thing I have found that we have in common with these couples is that no one tells anyone. Why is that I wonder? Why do a high percentage of couples not tell anyone that they are going through infertility? No one seems to tell anyone until it’s all over. If your friends are truly your friends they will understand and want to support you. I need to turn that question on myself. Why don’t we tell anyone? The number of people in the world that know we are going through this is less than 10 and that includes doctors and nurses. I feel that I have drawn back into myself, especially here lately, because this process consumes your life and you don’t think of much else. People will ask you “is anything wrong” and you simply smile and say “no, nothing, just not feeling well today” when the truth is you feel fine you are just going crazy inside because of the 9 million thoughts in your head and none of them make sense. Why is it so easy for your friends and not you? Why is it so easy for crackheads that just want a paycheck from the government and not you? Why is it so easy for everyone else in the world – but you?
I think the main reason you don’t tell anyone is because you don’t want to hear the questions. You have enough questions in your head and I guess I’m afraid that the one second of my day that I get to forget, someone will ask “so, how’s IT going?” I don’t have the answers and I’m afraid of the questions.

Pills are down and hormones are racing!!!

Pills are down and hormones are racing!!! I am ready for next week NOW. Monday they are going to do a follow up sonogram and tell us if the foliciles are developing and hopefully give me the booster shot then. If that of that happens we should be ready for the big show on Tuesday or Wednesday. I know it all has to happen within like 36 hours of the shot but not sure exactly sure of the timing of everything all together.
I have been going to message boards for infertility this week and I am not sure that I will be going back until after this part is over. Most of those women in there have had this procedure done several times, some up to 6 with still no luck. Most that it worked for had miscarriages pretty soon into their pregnancy. One even had a “chemical pregnancy” I’m not even sure what that is. It’s very frustrating and anxiety filled time.
Today I have to go to the doctor (primary care doc) for a bladder infection. Not sure if all of these meds I am taking has caused this or what. I know it’s uncomfortable and I have never had one before and I know I never want one again.

Today, we begin....

Today is the day it all starts. I am so excited and scared all at the same time. This morning I took my first Letrozol. I am going to take them twice a day for 5 days and then go back to Dr. Rodriguez on Monday the 14th at 8:30 for another sonogram. If everything looks good and the folicals are ready then we are ready to go. They will give me a shot of something “I call it the booster shot” and then within 36 hours they will get the show on the road. I am so excited. I am keeping the grandparents poem (see earlier posts) in my pocket for each procedure as my good luck charm. I did ask the nurse Wednesday what is the chances, realistically, that this will work and she said most people it takes 3 tries. This is very expensive for 3 tries but we have to start somewhere, we are not getting any younger!

Come on January

I know I have been MIA for a while but I have been busy. First they told me I had Diabetes and then 8 days later they called and said “Oops. The test results were wrong, you’re not diabetic”. I’m not going to mention the boatloads of money I had already spent on the blood test, the doctor’s visits, the medication and the testing materials. Also the panic they put me and my family through. The only good thing that has come out of this is mine and Wilson’s decision to stick with the diet and the workouts. I am trying to walk for at least 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week along with watching what we eat. We usually have one cheat day a week and that is my favorite day!! Yesterday I went to Dr. Rodriguez (baby doctor) again and found out that I have lost 7 pounds so far. That certainly made the treadmill time easier to handle today.
So I mentioned yesterday was baby doctor day. I called in sick to work and Wilson and Bev and I went and ran around all day long. Going to my doctor’s appointment with her there kinda made things difficult but she just thought I was up there getting my diabetes checked again. Anyway, Dr. Rodriguez said we can go ahead and get started, once they find me a good replacement to my blood pressure medicine. The bp meds that Dr. Geip (the diabetes dr) put me on are HORRIBLE. They give me Parkinson’s like syndrome and I am NOT living that way. It is scary and not necessary. Also he wants me to continue to take the Metformin he gave me for the elevated sugar levels. This is my thinking on that – if I don’t have diabetes why do I need to take diabetes medication. Besides that this medicine makes me SICK. If I do not have something on my stomach I feel like I could pass out. I don’t know if it’s making my blood sugar drop too low or what. I called them today and they said I can take 3 pills a day instead of 4. Oh, wow thanks doc. I have an appointment with him on the 30th and I think after that we are done with him. I have been told the Metformin will help with getting pregnant, not sure how – something to do with the ovaries or something. I need to do a bit more research on the subject.
Anyway, back to the baby situation. He said that once I get my blood pressure medicine together we can get started. That would bring us into December. Well guess what – they take a break in December and don’t do any egg retrievals!! It’s that nice. I wait 13 months to get to this point and they take a break!! Seriously. So now we are set up for the first week on January for and IUI. (Intrauterine insemination).
First I will go on Letrazole for a few days, then they will do what they do and 14 days later we take a pregnancy test. Now, here is the bad news. It’s expensive. Here is the worse news; it only has a 10% chance of working!!!!!
That’s not a great percentage but we are going to pray and if you would all pray for us that would be greatly appreciated. We are keeping our fingers crossed!!

Type 2

Dang, October was a crappy month!!!!
We went back to the baby doctor on Tues., Oct. 27th. I thought we were going to get started on some fertility treatments or something like that, you know – get this process moving along. Well, not so much. We found out I have Type 2 Diabetes and I have to loose about 50 lbs and have my blood sugar under control before they will even start seeing us again. I understand it because if I’m not healthy how can I possibly have a healthy baby but I sure don’t have to like it.
I have to watch my carbs – which I have discovered is all I eat and work out 5 times a week. I went to see a specialist on Thursday (10/29) and he knows that I want to get pregnant and that I am trying to put this on the fast track so hopefully that will help. As soon as the new Dr gives me the go ahead Dr Rodriguez (the baby doctor) will start to see us again. I am watching everything I eat and walking at least 30 minutes a day. I test my blood sugar a couple of times a day and it’s always normal. I am hoping they made a mistake but it doesn’t really matter I need to get all this extra weigh off of me anyway. Wilson is doing this with me. He has switched from Dr. Pepper to Diet Dr. Pepper and he HATES it. LOL It’s not the greatest thing in the world for sure. This is not going to be easy but the hope of a growing family keeps me motivated. I found out today a girl in my office is pregnant so maybe seeing her everyday will actually help me. Who knows. I just gotta find all new foods to eat and none of them I like but oh well, they never said life is easy and none of us are going to get out alive.

Gee

In loving memory of Evelyn “LaVern” McDonald, or known by me as Gee.

Date of Birth
December 9, 1923 in Talpa, TX
Date of Death
October 19, 2009 in Plano, TX

Gee called me on Sunday and said she needed me to come over and I said “what’s wrong” and she said “I can’t get up and I can’t get down and they want me to go the hospital but I just want you to come over here”. So I told her I had been out in the barn with the horses so I needed to change clothes and I would head that way then she says “well make sure you put your face on before you come up here”. LOL I called Wilson and told him I was going over there but it wasn’t anything serious because she is concerned about my hair and make up. Then when I got there she was just sitting in her wheelchair and needed me to help her get dressed. She went to the bathroom and brushed her hair and then said she needed to go to the ER. I said why didn’t you let them take you earlier when they wanted too and she said “because if they (meaning her apartment) call for me the ambulance will come and get me and they will make me stay but if you take me they will just give me some medicine and let me come home”. I said “that’s not really how it works but load up”.
Well I had the rental truck because someone hit Wilson and totaled my Maroon F-150. We had already bought Wilson a new truck but I still had the rental and it was brand new so why not drive it. Well the rental didn’t have step sides on it so we couldn’t get her in the truck so she said “call the paramedics”. I called them and they came to get her. While they were helping her from her wheel chair to the stretcher a lady from the lunchroom came walking by with Gee’s lunch. Since she didn’t come down for breakfast and then didn’t come down for lunch they were going to bring it to her. Well Gee see’s the lunch room lady and says “is that my lunch” and the lady said “yes” and was were concerned about Gee but Gee looks at her and says “now I’m going to the Emergency Room and won’t be here for that lunch so you make sure I’m not charged for that”. LOL
This with the “put your face on” comment made me even more believe she was fine but I guess she was just being Gee.
We got to the hospital and she said she had an upset stomach and just wasn’t feeling well. They ran all kinds of tests and during all of this determined that she had a urinary tract infection, which we already knew, but the reason they admitted her is because when they would lay her flat she would become unresponsive. When they did the CAT Scan and the X Rays this happened. We have also known that she has had bad lungs for a while now but if she was sitting up she was fine. I stayed up there until around 5:30 when they said they were going to admit her. Mom said she would stay with her until they got her in a room.
This is the part that gets me. When I left I said “I will be back tomorrow during lunch to check on you but until then you behave”. She looked at me and said “I always know you I can rely on”. I said “I love you” and left. WHY did her last words have to be nice??? Why couldn’t she just been mean to me like always and made this easier for me. I know she is in a better place and she is with my Papa now but I have realized that she realized no matter how mean she was to me or how much she put me down and my Mom down that I was going to come back. That I would always be there because no matter what else she was my Grandma. Why she chose to unleash her fury on Me and Bev is still something I don’t understand but it was so much easier for me when she was just a hateful old lady. I know that sounds horrible but it’s true.
Anyway, they called at about 6 am the next morning asking Mom if she had a Do Not Resistate and Mom said yes and they told her she needed to get up there. We had just been talking to her less than 12 hours ago so Mom didn’t call Phil (he was gone on a camping trip to Lake Texoma with his church group). Mom got there and they had her on a bi-pap machine. Something just to push air into her lungs but not a ventilator. Mom called me and I came up there and I called Phil and told him and they packed up and came home. At first Phil didn’t want to turn off the bi-pap and understandably so, he had just walked into a mine field and we all had had all day to get use to the idea. Finally after talking to MaryNell, Jerry and Michelle he decided that it was best to let her join Papa. The respitory tech came in and turned off the machine, Mom and Phil left because they didn’t want to see her suffer, of course. The Dr’s couldn’t tell us that she would struggle for breath but they also couldn’t say she wouldn’t and they didn’t want to take that chance and I certainly don’t blame them.
Jerry, Michelle, Wilson and I stayed in the room. I didn’t really intend too but it all happened so fast. We all originally said we didn’t want to be in the room and Wilson said he would stay with her because he didn’t want her to be alone. I don’t know how I got so lucky with him but I sure did.
After they turned the machine off it only took about 10 minutes. The doctors had told us it could be anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours. Her oxygen level fell pretty quick and her heart rate and pulse was not too far behind. She just went to sleep. No suffering.
It was so sad to see all the monitors read “0” when all morning we had been watching those numbers so closely and gasping every time they would fall.
She had taken care of pretty much everything for us, she had prepaid and pre-planned her funeral about a year ago. That made things so much easier for Mom and Phil. Now we are left to decide who gets what and what to do with all of her things.
Mom is doing OK I guess. She won’t stop talking and Wilson says it’s because she doesn’t want to stop and think. The more she is thinking and doing other things she doesn’t have to realize what is really happening. She stayed in San Angleo and her and Cheryl are going to the rodeo this weekend. I am worried about her having to drive back on Sunday. She will be in the car for 5 ½ hours by herself and no where to escape too because that drive is boring as hell.
Phil is not doing so good but he was close to Gee like Mom was with Papa. I have also discovered that she told all of us things that she didn’t tell him. She had talked about death to all of us and mentioned it a couple of times in the last few weeks but never to him. She told us what she wanted to be buried in and how she wanted the service, but never to Phil. I think she tried to shelter him from anything that might hurt him but all of this he has found out in the last couple of days.
It’s been rough. I cried this morning when telling the girl in accounting about an invoice I needed to create. It just hits me and I can’t help it. Wilson said last night “you just look blah” and I started crying and said “I want blah to go away. I’m tired of blah”. But that is exactly how I feel. Not really happy about anything and not really sad about anything. Just blah and I hate that because I don’t feel like I am myself. I have only really found grief once in my life and that was with Papa and I have discovered I don’t really care for it, at all.
Good Lord, I talk about Mom not shutting up and look at me.

Our newest addition

Introducing the newest member of our family. It's a "new to us" 2007 Ford F-150, Texas Edition (whatever that means). We've had it 12 hours and so far I love it. Ha We did find out when we got home last night that there were no tags on the truck, paper or otherwise, so I have to go back tonight to pick up the paper tags. The rental, a 2009 Chevy Silverado, is not due back until Monday so I got me a new truck for the weekend!!!

A day from hell

Last week was no so good.
Well this was our Thursday morning!!! The maroon truck was Wilsons. “Was” is the key word in that sentence. First let me say he is fine. A little sore today but fine. The guy in the white car pulled out in front of him and hit him in the front right tire. Knocked the tire off and sending him into on coming traffic. Instead of hitting the on coming cars he went for the ditch. The white stuff where the tire should be is sand bags covered with chicken wire. They are doing construction on that road and they put that there for flood control.
Needless to say they called today and said the truck is totaled. As you can see the passenger door is closed at the bottom and not at the top. The bed is into the cab,
the tire is missing, the front axel is broken, the windshield is broken, the air bags deployed, etc. Get this - the guy who was driving the other car just got his car back from another accident he had!!!! You could tell he wasn’t all there. When he hit Wilson he
walked over and asked him if he was alright and then said “I have to call my Mom”. He said he never saw Wilson. I felt bad for the guy but he could have seriously hurt my husband. The Highway Patrol gave him a ticket for running a stop sign. It’s a felony
ticket because he caused an accident. I didn’t even know they had felony tickets????
Now we are searching for a new truck, or at least new to us. New trucks are so expensive, hell used ones aren’t cheap. We went and looked last night and I think I am going to have to go and leave Wilson at home. LOL He looks at something and says “I want that one”. I’m like “No, we can’t afford that one” and he replies with “well we can figure it out”. NO WE CAN’T!!! I told him I’m gonna have to just bring home a picture of a truck and say “do you like this one?” and then just have him sign the paperwork. It doesn’t help that the truck they gave us as a rental is a 2009 Chevy Silverado 4 door that is fully loaded. I was scared the insurance company wasn’t even going to pay off the truck but what they are offering right now will pay off the truck and give us about a five thousand dollar down payment so that is not too bad. The only problem we have now is your Wilsons credit. He has no credit which to a dealership is worse than bad credit apparently. That may be a challenge for us.
Guapo is doing better I guess. On Thursday when we finally got home from the wreck Wilson walked out to check on Guapo and he had pulled out his own drain plugs and now there is a huge hole on his shoulder. There is not any skin to stich it to so it’s just going to have to heal on it’s own. I can tell you he is getting more and more irritated by the day at the whole situation. Frankly, I am too but what are ya going to do. He’s my baby and I have to take care of him even if he is a pain in the ass. I think the vet is just going to give us some more antibiotics to put in his grain so hopefully it won’t get infected. **crossing my fingers**
Also on Thursday Wilson got into it with Kevin. Kevin (the ex-wife’s husband) called and said Garrett was sick and Wilson needed to go get him and take him to the doctors. Wilson said “Man, I just got home – I got into an accident this morning and I need to check on a sick horse – can you give me just a minute.” And Kevin said “you just need to man up and be a Dad and go take your son to the doctor”. Now, this is where I would have lost it but Wilson is a much better person than I am because all he did was hang up on him and then call Garrett to see what was going on. I would have told that morally bankrupt piece of shit to kiss my ass and then proceeded over there to show him how I planned to “man up”.
Anyway, the whole story is Lori had gone into labor the day before and they were all at the hospital and Kevin didn’t want to take him to the doctor, his friend Dave couldn’t take Garrett to the doctor and Kevin’s parents (who are in town) couldn’t take Garrett to the doctor so Kevin decided he had no other choice but to call Wilson and when Wilson couldn’t drop everything at that exact second he spewed his “man up”.
I told Wilson what I thought it was from the beginning and come to find out – I was right (I really enjoyed typing that last part). Garrett wasn’t really sick, he just wasn’t getting any attention. They had let him stay out of school the day before and stay the day at the hospital and all the attention was going towards that new baby. Well the next day when they were all going to the hospital and he had to go back to school he decided to say he was sick. Wilson called him and asked him what hurt and Garrett told him his stomach hurt and he couldn’t sit down but his head hurt and his throat hurt and he couldn’t breath. There was just too many things that had nothing to do with each other. He was crying and Wilson could barely understand him. Wilson went and got him and took him to the doctor and they said all he had was “allergies”. After the doctors appointment he went back to school. The sad part about this is – Garrett has just become the extra kid for them. Now they have a baby that is “theirs”. Garrett does a lot of stuff for attention and this is going to be just the beginning of things getting worse. That is just my opinion.
So basically Thursday sucked. LOL
But this too shall pass. It always does and just when I think we have gotten past all the crappy stuff and back on track something else crappy will happen. It’s just life. Guess that’s what makes it interesting. J Better than the alternative.
Onto a happy subject. I went to the baby doctor on Friday. I had to have a procedure done to check and make sure all my tubes were open and ready for business (HSG). They are thank goodness. I think between Wilson and I we have had every test done on the face of the earth and frankly I am ready to get this show on the road. Tomorrow I have to have a blood glucose test done – I guess they are testing for diabities? I have to go in at 8 and have my blood drawn, then drink something and go back 2 hours later to have my blood drawn again. Sounds fun huh?
Our real appointment with Dr. Rodriguez is on the 28th so I will know more then!!!!

This week will be better --- it has to be.

Equine Emergency

Well everything was going along swimmingly until yesterday about 11:30. Wilson was off work and he was going to get the horses hay. Wilson was moving the truck and he saw Maaco run around the corner and he was screaming and hollering. Then he would run back to the barn – then he would run back over to see if Wilson was following him. Wilson finally went around the corner and saw Guapo standing there and he first noticed his hoof and it was covered in blood. Then he looked up – he had a cut across his chest that was 16 inches long and the skin was just hanging on for dear life. Guapo was screaming like “help me”! Wilson called me at work and I called the vet to meet us out there. The girl that answered the phone said all the vets where in surgery or out on calls and she would call me back in 10 minutes. Well I have to pass the vet’s office on my home so I just stopped in and asked “how much longer”. Dr. Kerrin, our regular vet, pulled in about that time so he came on over. Guapo wouldn’t move at all. Wilson and the vet had to basically drag him to the back yard so he could work on him. He started messing with the flap of skin and Guapo started to get upset so Dr. Kerrin walked over to his truck and got him a tranquilizer shot. Wilson was holding Guapo’s lead rope and said “so how long will it take for this to start affecting him”. About that time Guapos nose dropped to the ground and damn near pulled Wilson down and Dr. Kerrin said “is that quick enough for you?” Poor Guapo he was doing his best to stand there, he was swaying back and forth. His little eyes just kept shutting – he was out of it. The vet got him all stitched up, 64 stitches in all. He has 2 drain plugs and we have to go out there everyday and put Vaseline on his leg (the blood dripping will irritate his skin and cause the hair to fall out). He has pain meds to take twice a day and antibiotics that we have to put in his feed. He has to stay cross pinned in his stall for 2 weeks. His head is tied so he can only look straight forward.
We went out at 5:30 Tuesday morning to check on him and the meds had worn off because he was pissed. I guess he woke up and realized that he can’t move and he was not happy about that. We have to keep him from pulling out those drains and stitches so he is just going to have to be pissed. I have a stool in the barn so I can sit out there with him when I get off work. Yesterday I read an article to him about how to pick the perfect pecan. LOL He has his hay, feed and water right there in front of him but still – that life has got to suck, especially when you are normally free to roam around with your buddy. Maaco is just staying in the stall next to Guapo – he just won’t leave his side. I guess he is worried about his little buddy. The vet said we have to keep Maaco far enough away from Guapo so that he can’t pull on the stitches. He said if Macco discovers it’s the stitches that are hurting Guapo he will help him pull them out. WTH? (What the Hell). I know my horses are not that smart but hey, you never know.
We have no idea what caused this. We don’t know if he rubbed up against something sharp and it cut him. Wilson seems to thinks someone cut him but it’s like the vet said yesterday “a horse will let you cut him for about 2 inches and then he is out of there – this cut is straight for 16 inches so it’s unlikely but I will not rule it out”. I just don’t want to believe that anyone would come into our pasture and do that. Why one and not the other, why our horse and not the neighbors – it just doesn’t make sense.
I think maybe he was running and he got too close to something sharp. My only problem with that theory is we can’t find anything that has hair or blood on it. There is no telling what happened to him. I just hope he recovers quickly, he has no infections, and doesn’t have any after effects.
October is bonus month for both Wilson and I and I had picked out the most beautiful dining room suite. It is beautiful, 5 ft pine wood table, with 4 chairs and a bench with a cute little hutch with it. Well now our bonus’ are still going to something with 4 legs but it’s hairy and doesn’t come with a hutch!!!!

Warning: The picture is not for the weak!!

Still waiting.....

I have no real update on the baby front. Still taking the pill every day which seems so counter productive but apparently it's working. This past week when I went for my sonogram they said the cysts were smaller. Yeah!!!!
I should have another sonogram in about 2 or 2 1/2 weeks that will tell me if my tubes are blocked. I thought the test last week was going to tell me that but I was wrong. (I'm getting use to that part). ;-)

My Trip to Leavenworth, Part 3

On this day we decided that Ron, Linda and Wilson would go in and I would stay out and go with the second set of visitors. We were warned early that Saturday’s are very busy and that there is a possibility that if we didn’t get their early we might not get in. This day is when the 2 hour limit would more than likely come into play. We pulled up to the waiting line around 6:20 or so and sat about the same place in line as the morning before. We were actually surprised their weren’t more visitors. Just wait. About 5 minutes after we pulled in there was a line out to the street. Once again at 7:30 CO Bellar came out and took our ID’s, we found a spot in the visitors parking lot and the wait began again. About 8:30 Bellar came down and took up the first set of visitors. The second set he said would go up at 11:00. So everyone that was down there and had been waiting would now have to wait until 11:00 before they knew if they could get in for that day. Thankfully, Ron, Linda and Wilson got in on that round and there were no worries. I was content to sit down in the parking lot under the awning and wait my turn. If I didn’t get a turn today that would be alright too, at least his parents got to see him. As I waited I noticed more and more people pulling up and asking “has he been down yet for the second group?” They all were seasoned on the visiting rules. As I sat there I got to talking to 2 different wives who were there to see their husbands. This was so educational. To hear what they go though as a spouse of an inmate and mother to children whose father is in the penitentiary was amazing. One lady had been waiting on her husband for more than 8 years. He received a mandatory 10 year sentence and had 2 year to go. She traveled approximately 2 hours each way to see her husband and said she makes the trip about twice a month. The other lady also comes approximately twice a month but travels 4 hours one way. Her husband also received the 10 year mandatory sentence and he has only been in for a year and three months. Both husbands were in for drug charges and apparently the new mandatory minimum is 10 years. The second lady had a new born and this was her first trip to the prison without her son. You can not believe the amount of children that come to that prison. Just about every group that came in had at least one child with them. I just don’t know if I could do that, that a child into that environment. We talked about how they felt bringing their children up here and they simply stated the kids want to see their Daddy and he wants to see his kids. Someone else mentioned that as harsh as this environment may be it might be better than how they saw their Fathers prior. My question is do small kids realize that is their Daddy or is this a guy they come visit every other week? As I said I understand the dilemma these Mother’s are in but I am just not sure what I would do in that situation.

It was amazing talking to them and they were so open about their lives and how they revolved around the prison system. How they would travel from state to state depending on where their husband was transferred. They would describe phone calls where their husband would say “who is that in the background?” “Where are you?” They would discuss everyday things just over the phone instead of in person. As the morning wore on more and more people emerged from the parking lot. They would see CO Bellar coming down the walkway and cars would empty and lines would form to hand in their ID’s hoping they would be next to get inside. Now it is 11:00 and it’s time for the second group to go inside. We make our trek up to the dome shaped entrance and start our paperwork. Since we had done all of this the previous morning we just needed to sign the waivers and go through the metal detectors and we were in. In a perfect world that would be the case, you go in as a group so you wait until everyone that is going in with you has been identified, signed in, and scanned before any gates open.
Linda and I switched out and I got to see Scott again. He was so excited because when they let me take Linda’s place the clock started over for him so he knew he would get at least another 2 hours worth of visitation.

We talked about his decision to go to California when he is released to the half way house. Frankly not many people think this is a good idea. Scott has a daughter in Cali and he feels like he owes it to her to try and make a relationship with her. She will be twenty one, I believe, when he is released to the half way house and frankly she wants to see her Dad. The flip side to that story is Cali is where he got in trouble, this is the breeding ground. Why doesn’t he come to Texas where he knows he has family and a strong support system until he is at least released from the government’s control. Not only does he have to spend the remainder of his sentence in the half way house then he is not allowed to leave the state for 2 years. His parents, brother and sister, would much rather him come here and start a life where he can be surrounded by people who can help him and not strangers.

I see the point his daughter makes and I guess because I am older I feel a bit differently. I would rather my Dad go to where he has the greatest chance of regaining a normal life. At this point I am an adult and can travel to visit him and when he is settled and in a routine he can come to visit me. I know that’s easy to say because it’s not my Dad and I haven’t been without him for 15 years. I certainly understand Scott’s point to want to make it work with her, that is his daughter. We all just hope it is the right decision because there is so much riding on it if it is not. If anything happens while he is at the half way house he goes back to the penitentiary until his final release date of June 31, 2010. That’s a large price to pay. I know it can happen anywhere and I’m not sure why we all think it’s more likely to happen out there than here. Just fear I guess.

Our trip was short and our time with Scott even shorter but I wouldn’t have traded it for the world.

My Trip to Leavenworth, Part 2

Friday morning we woke up at 5 am and if you know me you know it has to be something pretty worthy for me to set the alarm for that hour. We got up and walked across the parking lot to Mickey D’s for our morning substance and shot of caffeine. Around 6:00 we headed to the car wash parking lot. To our surprise there was no one in the car wash, they were lined up outside the visitor’s parking lot. We just got in line and waited – and waited – and waited. About 7:30 Correctional Officer Bellar came out and took our drivers license. This is at the point where we learned that only 3 adults can go into the visiting room, per inmate. We made a decision that myself, Wilson and his Mom would go in first. I pleaded “he wants to see his brother and his parents, not a girl his brother married.” Ron had spoken and I was going in and he was coming in on the second set of visitors. At this time they opened the parking lot and we all found a spot and got comfortable. CO Bellar told us he would be back around 8:10 to bring in the first set of approved visitors. The walk from the visitor’s parking lot is probably 2 football fields long and then you have those steps. Climbing those steps was a bit of a challenge, not physically but mentally. You are going in and they have total control. Once you reach the top of the steps the gate opens automatically, which is when you say to yourself “we are being watched at all times”. Once you get in the first gate you have to sign a waiver that states you have no illegal drugs, guns, ammo, etc. That is when they state you have to be dressed in pants, not shorts – closed toe shoes, no sandals. After you sign your waiver and sign the visitors log you are told that no paper money may pass through the next gate. If you have any money you need to take it back to your car or change it into coins. If you choose to exchange it for coins you must carry that change in a see through bag such as a Ziploc. “Nothing is to go in with you except change in a bag!” Now it’s time for the metal detector. Wilson’s Mom set it off first “take off your watch ma’am”. She did and it light up like Christmas again “take off your shoes ma’am”. Once again – ring, ring. This is when she looked at CO Bellar and said “I am not taking my bra off!”. We all got a good laugh out of it and it helped to break the tension that was in the small room for those of us who were first timers. They wanded and her found out it was her underwire in her bra. Can you believe that? They didn’t make her take it off though. Now it’s Wilson’s turn. He set off the alarm 3 times as well. His culprit was the laces on his boots. Now it’s my turn and I made it through, underwire bra and all.

They inform us that we will step inside the next cell – yes cell and the first door will not open until the door behind us has closed. This is when you hear that colossal bang that you see on TV. At this point I realized I am closer to the Penitentiary than I am the free world. At Leavenworth there is ALWAYS a minimum of 2, and mostly 3, gates that you have to pass through to see freedom. Not one person has access to all the gates. If you are a CO on the inside you do not have access to the outside gate and vice versa.

Once you hear the shock of the slamming gate you realize that the gate in front of you is opening. Thank Goodness. As you wall into the rectangle shape visitors room you realize the years this building has seen. All of the chairs and small tables are plastic. Just like the chairs you may have out on your patio for extra guests. As I looked around I noticed there are chairs pushed up against the wall, then a small plastic table and then a single chair facing the chairs on the wall. The CO Rice tells us where we will be sitting and “do not move your chairs off the wall”. At this point they go out and locate Scott. They do not go and get the inmates until you are firmly in your seat. With a system that holds over two thousand inmates this can be quite a task. You learn this is why you let the inmate know you are coming. If not, they may be out on the yard and not in their cell. If there are a thousand men on the yard your loved one looks like an ant.

When the paneled cover door opens you can get a glimpse of what it is like on the “other side” but only for a brief moment. The inmate walks in, looking like they are ready for their first date. For inmates to come to the visiting room they must be in their penitentiary issued khaki shirt and pants along with their belt and black boots. Anything other than that and you get a one way trip back to your cell. Scott told us later that since he had never had a visitor at this location he had to borrow his cellmate’s boots to come and meet us. This is the part that I actually felt bad for the inmates - When that door opens and they see their loved ones they must walk past them to the CO’s desk and had them their identification card they were given on the other side of the door, after they were stripped searched. Once the CO has the card and gives the inmate permission they can turn around and walk over to where you are waiting. Leavenworth does have a policy where you can hug at the beginning of the visit and at the conclusion of the visit. Since most federal penitentiaries only have visitations through glass with each side on a recorded phone line this is a nice surprise to wives.

Scott opened the door and saw us and that is when I realized he is not a hardened criminal. He is not someone who lives to pump iron and kick ass all day. He is a normal guy. He is clean shaven, clothes are ironed and starched. I am a bit taken aback. This is not what I have been reading about and watching on TV. These guys walking through here were anyone you would pass on the street. I know that Federal Penitentiaries do not have the clientele that state prisons have but still. My view is beginning to change minute by minute.

Scott hugged his Mom so hard I thought I heard her bones crack. He pulled back at one point and said “Sorry Mom but I can’t help it” and hugged her again with just as much vigor. Next he grabbed onto Wilson and that is when the emotions took over. He had not seen his brother in 15 years. Wilson was 14 years old the last time he saw Scott. The last time his Mom had seen him it was through glass and there was no contact. Scott was very emotionally, and rightfully so. We learned that this was his first contact visit since 1999. Can you imagine not touching your family for 10 years? The only people you have contact with are officers and inmates. Not a favorable pool.

We sat there until around 11:00 when Wilson’s Mom decided to go out and let Ron come in. Both Wilson and I volunteered to go out but she protested and I think it had a lot to do with a nicotine habit. We got to speak to Scott for 10 minutes or so and it was so amazing. He was telling me about his crime, telling me stories about the penitentiary itself and how one inmate actually fooled the guards into thinking he was the fire marshall and walked right out the front door. He was later caught of course.

Ron came in and it was the flood of emotions all over again. This was his Dad and you could certainly tell. There was no denying this kid, he is a Wilson. You could watch Scott as he studied his Father’s face like he was trying to burn it into his memory for just one more year. We stayed that day until about 1:45 and loved every minute of it. When we left Ron said “I bet we just made his day. Hell, I bet we just made his year”. I bet we did too.

When we left we decided to drive into Kansas City and see a few sites before heading back to the hotel. That day was exhausting emotionally and physically. I was in bed and asleep by 6 pm. The next morning the alarm went off again at 5 am and we were ready to see what this day brought to us.

My Trip to Leavenworth, Part 1

So this last week and this weekend I forged my way to Leavenworth Kansas for the only thing that is there – Prison. As you know I have a brother in law who is currently incarcerated there for a drug charge from 15 years ago. His total sentence is 17 ½ years with 5 years supervision for a total of 22 ½ years he owes the United States for his bad deed.
This is new territory for me. I come from a family of well educated white folks. We go to State Universities, not State Penitentiaries. Before Friday I had never even been to a city jail so as one of the visiting wives said “girl, you started with the big time” and I guess I did. Visiting days are only allowed on Friday, Saturday and Sunday from 8:00 am – 3:00 pm. We left my in laws house on Wednesday evening around 6:30 and started North. We knew we needed to get there sometime early afternoon Thursday to check out the city and find out where to be Friday morning.
From the direction we came into the town of Leavenworth we first passed all the razor wire then inmates out on the “yard”. The facility itself wasn’t over powering to the eye but you could certainly understand that the people there didn’t win an award to get in the gate. I thought to myself “oh this must be it” and since the grounds sprawled out for what seemed to be a mile I thought for sure this was it. What else would it be? Then I saw the sign Lansing Correctional Facility. Formerly known as Kansas State Penitentiary. Apparently there are a total of 4 “correctional” facilities in this city of only 74,000. There is really not much to the city other than an active Army Fort and Prisons. All kinds of prisons: State Prison, Federal Prison and Military Prison.
When we came to the main highway we decided to go ahead and find our hotel room and then find the penitentiary. Once checked in and unloaded we set off to find our way so that at 6 am the next morning there would be no confusion. We were told that the gates for visitors do not open until 7:30 but people tend to line up very early. However if you get there before 7:30 the officers will run you off the property so we were told to wait at the car wash that is directly across the street. As we headed West down Metropolitan Avenue, we saw a huge entrance with cars lined up to get in. Was this it? Was this Leavenworth? No, this was Fort Leavenworth the active military base and military prison. There were large signs warning of no unauthorized personnel beyond this point. We got back onto the road and continued West and then through tree you can see a hint of shine. The shine was from the enormous dome that was at the center of the front wall. We pass the visitors entrance, pass the employee entrance, and head straight into the horse shoe shaped drive. This was not an unassuming building. It was a colossal bolder of steal and rock that kept the free world safe from the demons on the inside. The walls around the building are 40 feet high, and 40 feet below, and they seemed so small compared to the massive building itself. This building was built by inmates at the Camp Leavenworth back in 1895 and made to look like the Capital Building in Washington DC. It did not disappoint. The 43 steps from the ground to the front door is so assuming and arrogant. It’s enough to take your breath away at first site. As we drive closer and steps become larger and the signs stating no unauthorized personnel become superior. At this point I am just in awe but not as much as when my father in law tells Wilson to “stop the car” as to which Wilson says “what”? Ron says “there are some guys over there and they can tell me where we need to go tomorrow morning”. Wilson apprehensively stops the car and Ron gets out and starts walking past the front barriers that clearly are telling him to stay back. When the officer notices Ron walking towards him he left the group he was walking with and made a straight line to Ron. We laughed in the car that they were going to draw their guns on him. He stood there and spoke to this gentleman who clearly was trying to walk him back to the general public side of the walkway. Although not the choice the rest of us would have picked we found out all of the information we needed for the next day.
At this point we decided to drive around and take in what we could of the landmark. The walls are forbidding and nothing much can be seen. This city within a city is certainly self contained and welcomes no intrusion from the outer world.
After talking to Scott we discovered that they can not see outside the windows that make up the façade in the building and at closer inspection they are frosted from outside invasion. Another point to which the world on the inside is drastically different from the world outside.

Cross Your Fingers

Tomorrow at 11:30 I have an appointment with Dr. Rodriguez for a saline sonogram. They are going to look at my uterus and make sure everything is alright. They are also going to inject die and make sure my tubes are clear. This is the part that worries me a bit. This is the same problem my Mother had 36 years ago. Wilson says it's all going to be alright and I sure hope he is right!!!!
I don't know how long it will take for the results, I'm hoping they know right then!!! Either way, I'll let you know!
Cross Your Fingers!

Hurry Up........and wait

Wednesday 9-2-09 update:
Tuesday was our doctors appointment. It went really good. I have ovulatory dysfunction. I knew I was dysfunctional but I never thought that area would be the area of diagnosis.
I have to do blood tests and a sonogram Wednesday at 1:00. Then Wilson is getting his swimmers tested Thursday at 10:30.
I really feel good about this guy. We talk to the nurse first and she gets our info and then we go into the Dr.’s office and wait for him. While we are in there Wilson said “You did good picking this guy”. I said “How do you know – we haven’t even seen him yet”. He said “Tonya, read his card he is the Director of Infertility and Assisted Reproductive Technologies for all of Presbyterian Hospital!”. I was like “are you serious”. So we got the top guy.
We told him about Dr. Salter and him doing NOTHING. He was writing his name down and asking what city and hospital he was out of and then he looked up and said “why do I care who he is – he didn’t do a damn thing for you – that’s why you’re here!” Like I said, I like him. He gave me the name and number of an OBGYN and Wilson said “so is this guy that you are referring us to – is he going to be more aggressive than Dr. Salter?” and Dr. Rodriguez said “No. This is for after I get you pregnant so you will be seeing him soon”.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed!!!!!


Thursday 9-3-09 update:
Well the initial consultation went good but it’s been downhill since then.
I went back yesterday to get my sonogram and blood work done. My blood would not cooperate so I will probably have to go back again. Holy S I just looked down and I have the biggest freakin bruise on my arm from where she tried to take blood. My sister said she must have “blew the vein”.
So the bad news, or potentially bad news is, that I have ovarian cysts. I don’t think that it is all that big of a deal but I’m not really a doctor – I just play one on the internet. They said they won’t have my blood work back until probably Friday morning and then they are closed at noon on Friday so it will probably be Tuesday before I know anything.
I know I have 2 cysts on one side and 1 cyst on the other side. The nurse did say that they are not large enough to be worried about so that is good. I have been doing some reading in my medical text book (aka the internet) and they say unless they are a certain type of cyst it does not interfere with fertility. Crossing my fingers.
Wilson had his little swimmers tested this morning and they are suppose to be sending those findings over right now. I’m sure we will just find out everything when we go back in. I still have to wait until I start again before I can do the dye test to check and see if my tubes are blocked. That has to be done day 6-10 after you start so now it’s just a waiting game, again.
The nurse did tell me yesterday that they will probably put me on the pill for a little while. She was telling me because she didn’t want me to freak out when I come back and they say that I need to go on the pill. It just seems so counter productive.
I want to start Chlomid TODAY but it doesn’t look like they are going to let me. I guess since they are the professionals I will do as I am told.

Life in the Fastline

Last night was so cool. I got to drive a 2007 Mustang Shelby Cobra!!!!!!! This car is worth more than all four of our cars put together. It was so much fun. When I pulled into the driveway my Mom was outside waiting on me and all I could say, or scream, was OH MY GOD!!! Life in the Fastline was blaring on the radio, the windows were down, and the stripes on the hood were just a streak in the sun.
After dropping Terry off to pick up his truck I drove it to Rockwall to dinner at Logans. Wilson got to drive it on the way home and he loved it. 90 mph in third gear and he had 3 more to go!!!
Sadly the Shelby will be going back home with Terry but it was sure fun while it lasted!

One Day

So last week was horrible. Friday I think was the worst. I guess I had another mental break down. I have been having a lot of those lately. I can certainly pin point the reason and I hope to be rid of that soon. Wilson and I are trying to get pregnant. Yes, you read that right. Pregnant – me, well not yet and it’s getting frustrating and depressing to a level of no return. I was doing just fine and then all the sudden I get a call from the insurance clerk at the doctors office. Apparently my insurance is subpar at best. This is my second doctor and I just found this out. My insurance will only cover to a certain point and then when/if I am diagnosed as infertile all insurance stops. WTH? So I think to myself “that’s alright I will just call and enroll on Wilson’s insurance. Since his company is so large they are bound to be insured to the hilt!” Wrong. Same issue. Covers it all up until infertility.
Now let me be clear we have not been diagnosed with infertility. I play a doctor in my spare time and I have diagnosed myself as such. Hell we haven’t even been tested yet, which is another part of my problem. We started this little journey back in November and nothing was happening so in May we went to our first baby doctor. We had our initial consultation and he made us feel all warm and fuzy and we went home. Nothing. I called and said I was irregular and after about a week someone called me back and called me in a pack of pills. Took those – things are looking good. Not so much. After one round of the pills we are back where we started from. Still have heard anything from the doctor and getting them to call you back is like getting my husband to take out the trash. Not gonna happen. A few weeks ago on the WylieView (my favorite website evva) a lady posted that she was looking for a fertility doctor. BINGO. Here are the answers and I didn’t even have to ask. Looked at all the names and the recommendations and chose one. Dr. Rodriguez. I think I might like this guy because when I called I told the nurse what the story was and she said “have you been tested yet?” Well “No”. She continues “Has your husband been tested”. Well “No”. She said “Well we need to get you in here quck and get you started”. So far I love her. Now I must add that there were tears in my voice when I was talking to her. There are tears anytime I think about this much less talk about it. Wilson says it’s because I am telling NO ONE (well now Lesa). I got to thinking about it last night and there are literally less than 10 people that know what is going on right now, including doctors. I guess I have several reasons for secrecy. First my Mom would be so excited she would ask me every day if it was time for us to “do it”. Then she would tell me every little thing I’m going to do/say wrong for the next 18 years. She would also tell EVERYONE and while she is telling them she will say “but don’t say anything”. She means well but you know….
The other reason is because of Shannon. I just can’t break her heart that way. This is the last thing she needs to hear about. I know how I am when I simply walk through Target so I can only imagine how she would feel.
I am thinking we don’t tell anyone – well except a few until 12 – 16 weeks. I think that is enough time to make sure everything is ok. It took Bev eight years to get preg with me so I guess I am just gun shy that this won’t ever happen. Now I am reading too many articles on the web about women who have had rounds and rounds of treatment to either lose the baby or for it not to work at all.
My frustration lys in the fact that I am so irregular so it’s so hard to tell when I’m ovulating. Right when I think I am – Wrong. I have 4 different methods of ovulation prediction going right now and all of them tell me nothing.
So anyway, I am crossing my fingers and hoping that this visit on the 1st goes in the direction we are wanting. Wilson said we are not going to sit back and listen this time. We are going to do the talking and asking questions.
It’s just getting harder and harder to deal with the disappointment. We already have names picked out and the other day I found this poem that I am going to use when I tell my Mom and Wilson’s parents they will be grandparents. I think I will do this poem with a picture of the sonogram. One Day.

I do not have a face to see, or put inside a frame.
I do not have soft cheeks to kiss, I don't yet have a name.
You can't yet hold my tiny hands, nor whisper in my ear.
It's still too soon to sing a song, or cuddle me so near.
But all will change come ________, that's when the say i'm due.
I'm your new grandson or granddaughter and I can't wait till I meet you.
All I ask between now and then, is your patience while I grow.
I promise I'll be worth the wait, because of all the love we'll know.
So what I have to give you now, is a wish to you from me.
I cannot wait to be a part of this wonderful family.

My writing therapy for someone else

I am a sucker for any TV show that involves prison. I think the life is fascinating. It's so different than any world I have ever known and I genuinely want to know if what you see on TV and read in books is the way it really is. Is there really a hierarchy in prison? If you murder someone are you just one of the boys (or girls) but if you touched a kid will you probably get your ass kicked every day until you die in there (not that disagree with that one).
I have always wanted a prison pen pal. I thought I would like someone on death row because I don't want to take the chance that the movies are right and when they get out they will come looking for me. You get a death row guy and poof the threat is gone. Well, my friends have told me for years this was a horrible idea and dangerous and why would I want to talk to these people anyway. Why do I care about their lives when they gave such little consideration to someone else's? I don't know. Maybe it's just that part of me that wants to believe that everyone deserves some sort of a second chance. The problem with that theory is that the bigger part of me says if you are in there you probably did what they say you did and you deserve whatever you are getting, and then some. I use to look at offenders punishment and think -- if my Mom was your victim would this punishment be enough for me? It never was.
I guess there is something in me that just wants to know what life is like behind bars. Prison guards really don't want to tell their stories and prisoners don't generally put out too many books on amazon.com. Currently I reading a blog by Bart Whitaker www.minutesbeforesix.com and it's simply amazing. I first heard his story on Oprah (of course) and then have followed him (thanks to google) and recently they did a story on 20/20 from the view of his surviving victim, his Father. Bart Whitaker commissioned to have his entire family gunned down when they returned home from dinner, a dinner they started with a Rolex watch as a gift for him for graduating college. They believed they would be going to his college graduation the next morning. They didn't. Basically, his Mother and younger brother, Kevin, were killed in the attack. His father was shot but survived. Bart who was also shot (just to make it look good) survived and after a long investigation and a run to Mexico is currently being housed on Texas Death Row. For his blog he basically writes out his life from behind bars and someone on the outside types it up and puts it out there for the masses. Of course when I heard about this I was all over it. He usually posts a few times a month and it is generally very educational for me. I do have to skim over it when he starts spewing about the deplorable conditions he lives in and how "they" plan to kill him. I tend to think he is getting what he deserves and anyone who doesn't should ask his Mother and his Brother how there day went today.
I thought this would be as close as I would get to a prison pen pal but alas I finally have one. He is finishing up a 15 year term for drug charges in Leavenworth Penitentiary. It's a strange twist of events because not only is he a current prisoner and my new pen pal he is also my brother in law.
Wilson's Dad had a son with his first wife (before he married Wilson's Mom) and the product of that marriage is Scott. I've heard them talk about Scott for a few years now but never really thought much about it. Then I realized he was in prison and was close to finishing his time. During our recent family vacation Wilson's sister (Stacy) mentioned a letter she got from Scott and how she writes him at least once a week. I perked up and said "do you think it would be alright if I wrote him?" His Dad turned around and said "he would love it, I wish you would". After getting the go ahead from Wilson I fired off my first letter within hours of walking in the house and putting down my bag. I was up until 2AM trying to figure out what to write. It's funny I’ve always wanted to do this and when I got the chance I had no idea what to say. The more I sat there the more I thought - just tell him about you - tell him who you are and how you met his family. Tell him about his step-mom (who he considers his Mom) and Dad. I typed out that first letter and mailed it off and ever since then the questions just keep coming to me. The day he got my first letter he called his parents and said "I know I haven't met her but I love her. She made my week. Tell her to send more". He wrote me back and told me I could ask anything and believe me I have. As our relationship progresses I am interested to see if I learn more than I am ready for. He has been very frank with me so far, telling me about violence and teaching me lingo. Wilson keeps tell me that Scott is the one benefitting here because it shows him that someone in the outside world has not forgotten about him but I think we are both benefiting.

Lets try typing therapy

So I am laying there at 1 AM this morning with all of these thoughts running through my head. My husband is asleep and the episode of Sex and the City I was watching doesn't want to hear my thoughts.
There are so many things going on and it's hard to control them all in the middle of the night. Nothing Earth shattering, just stuff. Last week my Mom was on vacation in Florida and while she was gone her truck broke down, then I broke down. I had a day of depression for the ages. I haven't felt that way in such a long time and I HATE that feeling. The feeling that all of the bad stuff is never going to end. Nothing is going your way and it never will again. A good cry and a nights rest and all was right with the world again. It just seemed so overwhelming at the time. The cost of getting the truck fixed, the sharing of a car, etc. All the while we were trying to buy a new car. Buying a new car or a used car from a delarship is one thing - they take care of everything and you can kind of do things on your time. This is not the case with an individual. Especially an individual who is in his 80's and is selling his car because his eyes are going bad, not because he wants too. We found this car when visiting my grandma at her "senior living" apartment complex. Mon Senior (sp) Mertzger had to sell his car and it was just too good of a deal to pass up - Great for us. Bad for him. Here is a man who is loosing his independence, loosing his ability to get up and take a drive. It breaks my heart to think about it. We told him if you ever need to go anywhere you let me know and I will come and take you. As a matter of fact we are going to James Avery today when I get off work. I don't mind taking him because I would hope that if I was in that situation someone would come and cart me around if I needed it.
He's really a sweet old man. Of course my grandma said "you know why he asked you to take him don't you?" and I said "No, why?" Her reply "Because your Mom shot off her mouth and told him she would take him anywhere he needed to go. Can you believe that?" OMG I don't know why she continues to get to me but she does. I would think that as you get older you get nicer but that is just not the case here. Although she didn't start off too nice (at least not to me) and it just gets better all the time.
My Mom and I go see her religiously. I bought her a cell phone and put her on my plan. I had the San Angelo newspaper sent to her in Plano. My Mom takes her to her Dr's appoitments. We make sure she has what she needs and try to keep her entertained because she refuses to get involved with the entertainment at her complex but yet we catch the brunt of her anger. Always have, this is nothing new. Like I said, I should be use to it after 35 years but it just bothers me. I didn't mean for this to sound horrible or to turn into a rant on my grandma. I do love her, she's my grandma. She raised my Mom but sometimes she is just hard to deal with and hey, this is my new therapy. ;-)