Waiting on the trigger

This morning I went to Dr. Rodriguez and had another sonogram. Everything is looking good. I had some really good foliciles and I am really starting to feel the meds take effect this afternoon, just crampy. They are going to call me this afternoon and let me know when I have to go and get my “booster” shot. I didn’t realize this until this morning but I have to give the shot to myself. Auh, What? This part I was not aware of. I thought when I went for the sonogram and bloodwork this morning they would give it to me in the office. Guess not. Not really looking forward to this part – well I haven’t really looked forward to any of this yet so I guess we can just add this to the list. So hopefully today I can go and get the shot and take it tonight.
Along with my sonogram this morning they also took my blood again. I think to get my estrogen level so they knew exactly when I should take the shot. Well I hate having my blood drawn so I always find something to read so I can take my mind off of what is happening. Today I found a pamphlet regarding couples going through infertility and how they coped with the different situations. They are following three different couples and telling their stories on how they felt when going through all the testing. I have to say, so far I don’t relate to any of these people. They all want to blame their spouse for the infertility until they find out it’s really them. They resent the other person for making them go through all of these tests and procedures. I have never felt that way. I never, not once, thought any of this was Wilson’s fault – or anyone’s fault for that matter. It’s just something that happened. Yes I have wondered why us but I think it’s just going to make us stronger people and hopefully better parents because we won’t take for granted all of the mundane things parents do on a daily basis. I certainly hope that Wilson doesn’t resent me for him having to take all of the tests and dealing with me and my hormones. He doesn’t seem to mind and he hasn’t said anything. I guess this booklet has already helped us because now I plan on talking to my husband to make sure he doesn’t feel this way.
The one thing I have found that we have in common with these couples is that no one tells anyone. Why is that I wonder? Why do a high percentage of couples not tell anyone that they are going through infertility? No one seems to tell anyone until it’s all over. If your friends are truly your friends they will understand and want to support you. I need to turn that question on myself. Why don’t we tell anyone? The number of people in the world that know we are going through this is less than 10 and that includes doctors and nurses. I feel that I have drawn back into myself, especially here lately, because this process consumes your life and you don’t think of much else. People will ask you “is anything wrong” and you simply smile and say “no, nothing, just not feeling well today” when the truth is you feel fine you are just going crazy inside because of the 9 million thoughts in your head and none of them make sense. Why is it so easy for your friends and not you? Why is it so easy for crackheads that just want a paycheck from the government and not you? Why is it so easy for everyone else in the world – but you?
I think the main reason you don’t tell anyone is because you don’t want to hear the questions. You have enough questions in your head and I guess I’m afraid that the one second of my day that I get to forget, someone will ask “so, how’s IT going?” I don’t have the answers and I’m afraid of the questions.