One Day

So last week was horrible. Friday I think was the worst. I guess I had another mental break down. I have been having a lot of those lately. I can certainly pin point the reason and I hope to be rid of that soon. Wilson and I are trying to get pregnant. Yes, you read that right. Pregnant – me, well not yet and it’s getting frustrating and depressing to a level of no return. I was doing just fine and then all the sudden I get a call from the insurance clerk at the doctors office. Apparently my insurance is subpar at best. This is my second doctor and I just found this out. My insurance will only cover to a certain point and then when/if I am diagnosed as infertile all insurance stops. WTH? So I think to myself “that’s alright I will just call and enroll on Wilson’s insurance. Since his company is so large they are bound to be insured to the hilt!” Wrong. Same issue. Covers it all up until infertility.
Now let me be clear we have not been diagnosed with infertility. I play a doctor in my spare time and I have diagnosed myself as such. Hell we haven’t even been tested yet, which is another part of my problem. We started this little journey back in November and nothing was happening so in May we went to our first baby doctor. We had our initial consultation and he made us feel all warm and fuzy and we went home. Nothing. I called and said I was irregular and after about a week someone called me back and called me in a pack of pills. Took those – things are looking good. Not so much. After one round of the pills we are back where we started from. Still have heard anything from the doctor and getting them to call you back is like getting my husband to take out the trash. Not gonna happen. A few weeks ago on the WylieView (my favorite website evva) a lady posted that she was looking for a fertility doctor. BINGO. Here are the answers and I didn’t even have to ask. Looked at all the names and the recommendations and chose one. Dr. Rodriguez. I think I might like this guy because when I called I told the nurse what the story was and she said “have you been tested yet?” Well “No”. She continues “Has your husband been tested”. Well “No”. She said “Well we need to get you in here quck and get you started”. So far I love her. Now I must add that there were tears in my voice when I was talking to her. There are tears anytime I think about this much less talk about it. Wilson says it’s because I am telling NO ONE (well now Lesa). I got to thinking about it last night and there are literally less than 10 people that know what is going on right now, including doctors. I guess I have several reasons for secrecy. First my Mom would be so excited she would ask me every day if it was time for us to “do it”. Then she would tell me every little thing I’m going to do/say wrong for the next 18 years. She would also tell EVERYONE and while she is telling them she will say “but don’t say anything”. She means well but you know….
The other reason is because of Shannon. I just can’t break her heart that way. This is the last thing she needs to hear about. I know how I am when I simply walk through Target so I can only imagine how she would feel.
I am thinking we don’t tell anyone – well except a few until 12 – 16 weeks. I think that is enough time to make sure everything is ok. It took Bev eight years to get preg with me so I guess I am just gun shy that this won’t ever happen. Now I am reading too many articles on the web about women who have had rounds and rounds of treatment to either lose the baby or for it not to work at all.
My frustration lys in the fact that I am so irregular so it’s so hard to tell when I’m ovulating. Right when I think I am – Wrong. I have 4 different methods of ovulation prediction going right now and all of them tell me nothing.
So anyway, I am crossing my fingers and hoping that this visit on the 1st goes in the direction we are wanting. Wilson said we are not going to sit back and listen this time. We are going to do the talking and asking questions.
It’s just getting harder and harder to deal with the disappointment. We already have names picked out and the other day I found this poem that I am going to use when I tell my Mom and Wilson’s parents they will be grandparents. I think I will do this poem with a picture of the sonogram. One Day.

I do not have a face to see, or put inside a frame.
I do not have soft cheeks to kiss, I don't yet have a name.
You can't yet hold my tiny hands, nor whisper in my ear.
It's still too soon to sing a song, or cuddle me so near.
But all will change come ________, that's when the say i'm due.
I'm your new grandson or granddaughter and I can't wait till I meet you.
All I ask between now and then, is your patience while I grow.
I promise I'll be worth the wait, because of all the love we'll know.
So what I have to give you now, is a wish to you from me.
I cannot wait to be a part of this wonderful family.